“Do everything with a mind that has let go” ~ John Chan

“Do everything with a mind that has let go” ~ John Chan 

The previous quote comes from the book Meditations from the Mat by Rolf Gates. In this part of the book, Rolf discusses how new students come to a yoga class and they “wrestle” with their pride to get the postures right and they even begin to place judgments on their efforts. To sum it up, they are hard on themselves.

When an experience is humbling and challenging, we judge ourselves-our mind does not let go. It tapes the mistakes we make, it re-plays the mistakes we have made, and this can be paralyzing. When the mind cannot let go, we cannot be present. Worrying and regretting past mistakes will not change history-what’s done is done. And most definitely, worrying about what might happen will not stop what is going to happen from occurring. Worry and fear are just two ways in which our mind cannot let go. The very first time I stepped into a real yoga studio I was terrified. Scared of what people might think of me, scared I’d fall on my face, and scared I would not be able to make it through the practice. I was afraid, but I survived. I survived and fell in love. I fell in love with a practice that rescued me from insecurities, body image issues, and weakness. Not only did I survive my first yoga class, I become a yoga teacher. What if I would have allowed my fears to keep me from taking that first yoga class? So many opportunities, relationships, and friendships I would have unknowingly robbed myself of. 

Fear keeps us from pursuing our dreams. Fear tells us things that are not true...it lies to us and keeps us stagnant. Fear will not allow our minds to simply let go and it does not serve us in any way. Think about it...when we are afraid the following reactions occur: our heart rate goes up, adrenaline kicks in, and we start to experience a “fight or flight” response. It is so much easier to avoid these feelings, to become reactive, and to allow these feelings to mess with the mind! But if we learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings, to face the discomfort no matter how formidable, we will watch it subside. Our minds are just that powerful. One of the things that makes us “regular people” different from the greatest athletes in the world is that we have made letting go an option, and they have made letting go an instinct. Rolf Gates says this about letting go, “So I encourage you: get into that canoe and ride with the river. Commit and don’t look back, before our bodies can open, they must first let go; the clenched and guarded muscles must relax. But the mind must let go first.” 

The pose begins when you want to leave it...

I often say the following phrase when I am teaching a difficult yoga class: "The pose begins when you want to leave it." I say this quote mostly because I am hoping my students will begin to realize that their yoga practice is so much more than exercise...it is a way to endure what cannot be healed in their lives. Lately, I have been longing to leave situations in my life so, so bad! But I began thinking about these situations, what they are teaching me, how they are making me stronger, and how they are humbling me without breaking my spirit. I was telling a friend the other day how I felt….”just broken.” There is no other way to describe it. I want to leave the current situation in my life right now so desperately. I want my parents to save me, my friends to save me, money to save me, work to save me, etc. But I know, right now, I am the only person who can really save me. The lessons are beginning for me in this moment of discontentment, heartbreak, and fear. I can either flee from this moment by turning to my own self-deprecating coping mechanisms of not eating, over exercising, crying, begrudging, and/or hating. Or I can stay in this moment, this “pose,” endure and surrender. I can let go of everything I cannot control and listen to my heart, which tells me to continue loving and continue finding goodness in those who hurt me. This moment will pass…with all certainty it will not last forever. But I can find peace for now. I can choose to find serenity, to look past the dirty window and see the beautiful view ahead. Wanting to leave the “pose” is actually a good thing.  Because I know at the most formidable point of the pose, right when I want to break...I will find strength I did not even know I possessed.

"When one door closes, another door opens. But it's hell in the hallway."

Or as my teacher Rolf Gates says, "When one door closes, another door opens but the hallway is a bitch." Either way, one thing is for  sure...the hallway is brutal! I am so tired of being stuck in the hallway! But today I started thinking, "Who is the only person who can get me out of this hallway?" Yep, that's right, ME! While in the hallway, the door has swung open but I've slammed it shut. Instead of letting go, I've chosen to hold on and be dragged through my existence. Instead of moving forward, I've chosen to cling to the past. Instead of falling and getting back up, I've chosen to stay down. All of these things were my choices. Opportunities have come and gone but I've chosen to say, "No thanks, I'll just stay here and continue to be miserable." Thank God my friends love me because there have been times over the past few months when I really could not stand myself! Rolf also says, "It isn't important how many times you fall, what is important is how many times you pick yourself up." I truly believe that things happen in our lives for a reason. I think I've known all along that the hallway is a brutal, sad place to be. But it has taken me many months to figure out that I am the only person responsible for opening the door and stepping out of the hallway... after all, the door is not locked. Blaming others for putting me in the hallway is not going to change the way I feel about or perceive myself. I am responsible for the choices I have made and will make in the future. And right now, I think I'll choose to step out of the hallway and start walking through some of those open doors! :)

Throwing darts...

Today I was having one of those ugh days!  Nothing necessarily going wrong but nothing going considerably right either...the story of my life.  So I got up and I went to ashtanga this morning.  I love ashtanga.  I look forward to it every time I practice.  Today I felt really good and pretty strong and then... ashtanga practice begins! I look around the room at all the other ashtangis-yes, I do that!  I started not feeling so good about myself.  A few of them are so amazing!  My hamstring has not completely healed, and I've lost a lot of flexibility and strength because of the tear.  So when I do triangle on the right side, I have to grab my ankle because I cannot get my "two peace fingers" to touch my big toe.  My side angle hurts like hell and do not even get me started on what the reverse of those two postures feels like.  So my mind begins to speak to me..."Why am I even here?" and "Maybe my body just isn't right for ashtanga." and "Your back bends really look pretty bad." I beat myself up like this for almost the entire practice.  My teacher says when someone puts us down or tells us something negative about ourselves, that person throws the first dart.  Then, we choose to throw the second and third darts at ourselves by continuing to put ourselves down and replaying the ugly words.  I not only threw the first, second, and third darts but I continued to throw lots of darts at myself during practice today.  At the end of practice, I was wiping off my mat and a woman came up to me and said, "You have a beautiful practice." At first, I had to do the proverbial look around the room to make sure she was actually speaking to me. I almost wanted to ask in disbelief, "Are you serious...were you watching the same train wreck as me?"
My point is that I wasted my entire practice focusing on what I consider to be my faults instead of focusing on how truly beautiful my yoga practice can be regardless of what it looks like on the outside.  How extremely fortunate I am to even be standing on my mat today.  How grateful I should be that my body is strong enough to carry me through the entire primary series..."peace fingers around the right big toe," or not.  How lucky I am to have an encouraging ashtanga teacher.  I decided to stop throwing darts at myself (at least for today) and focus on the gratitude that I have for the things I can do.  In ashtanga, the postures are simply postures-held for five breaths and then, you let it go without attachment.  I will try to keep my practice free from the darts that I throw at myself. Enjoying the sweet serenity on my mat, breathing, and letting go.

”The final aim in life is moksa, liberation.” ~ Meditations from the Mat

Words on paper have always fascinated me. As a teacher, I loved teaching children how to read. To watch their faces literally light up when they figure out how to sound out a word, it is truly a feeling so magical and powerful-I cannot find the words to explain it. When I was in graduate school working on my degree in reading, I volunteered to teach adults how to read. It was such a humbling experience to serve these amazing people. I often wondered who the teacher really was: me or them. I cannot begin to imagine the courage that it must have taken for these adults to sit next to me each session, sounding out words like a child as I helped their brain process and make sense out of what their eyes were seeing. How vulnerable they must have felt. What a blessing this opportunity was for me. I am so grateful that I could be a part of their lives.

On my last day volunteering as I wrapped my arms around my student to say “good-bye,” he whispered to me, “Thank you, I am free.” I’ll never forget his words or the sound of his voice. That moment changed me forever.  For my student, learning to read gave him a sense freedom. He no longer lived in isolation from other people. He no longer had to hide from words or avoid situations that required him to read. He no longer had to be afraid he would embarrass his children when in the presence of their friends. To him, something as simplistic as being able to read (which many of us take for granted) made him free. He had achieved moksa. The moment he uttered his first word from paper, he was free. He could no longer tell himself, “I cannot do_______ because I cannot read.” I wish I could have told him what I later realized but I was so overcome with emotion and empathy at that moment, my mind went completely blank. But later I realized he became free the moment he walked into the door. He became free, again, the moment he opened up a book. He was free from the barriers that society had placed on him. He was free from judgment. He was free from the fear that lied to him and told him he was not smart enough, good enough, or that I would think less of him if he stumbled on a word. He let go and faced an obstacle that he had dealt with his entire life. He was free!

When we face life’s obstacles head-on, when we simply let go, we are free…

“Do everything with a mind that has let go” ~ John Chan

I read the above quote from the book Meditations from the Mat by Rolf Gates.  In this part of the book, Rolf discusses how new students come to a yoga class and they “wrestle” with their pride to get the postures right and they even begin to place judgments on their efforts.  To sum it up, they are hard on themselves.

When an experience is humbling and challenging, we judge ourselves-our mind does not let go.  It re-plays the mistakes we have made, it records the mistakes we are making and this can be paralyzing. When the mind cannot let go, we cannot be present.  Worrying and regretting past mistakes will not change history-what’s done is done.  Worrying about what might happen will not stop the inevitable from occurring.  Worry and fear are just two ways in which our mind cannot let go.

The very first time I stepped into a real yoga studio I was so scared. Scared of what people might think of me, scared I’d fall on my face (and I have many times…fell on my head in practice this morning), scared I would not be able to make it through the practice (I made it about 15 minutes and was in child’s pose) but I survived my first yoga experience despite my fears.  Not only did I survive but my very first yoga teacher has become one of my best friends.  Fear keeps us from pursuing our dreams.  Fear tells us things that are not true…it lies to us and keeps us stagnant.  Fear simply won’t allow our minds to let go.

I have always been afraid to Chakrasana in ashtanga.  It’s basically a backward rolling somersault.  I would roll back with my legs over shoulders, toes touching the floor and literally put the brakes on.  My mind took over from there: this is too hard, my neck is going to break, I’ll fall on my head, I'm not strong enough, etc. One night, I couldn’t sleep.  I wasn't so much bothered by the fact that I could not Chakrasana, but it bothered me that I was scared to Chakrasana.  It drove me insane in ashtanga when my teacher would call out, “Chakrasana…or not.”  It drove me insane because I was in the “or not” category!   So at 2 a.m. I rolled out my yoga mat (yes, I do stuff like that), my mind let go and I did a Chakrasana…and another…and another! In the primary series of ashtanga, Chakrasana occurs twice.  The first is after Supta Padangusthasana (big toe posture on your back) and the second after Setu Bandhasana (bridge posture). There is also a Chakrasana in the finishing sequence after Uttana Padasana (extended leg posture).  It is fun to Chakrasana! It is also a reminder to me of what I can accomplish when my mind lets go.

Rolf Gates says this about letting go, “So I encourage you: get into that canoe and ride with the river.  Commit and don’t look back, before our bodies can open, they must first let go; the clenched and guarded muscles must relax.  But the mind must let go first.”

Counting

I remember when counting was simple. One, two, three, four, etc. But this week I have been learning to count in Sanskrit. So now it's ekam, dve, trini, catvari...and so on.  I even dream about those numbers! I have become an ashtanga junkie. I love, love, love ashtanga. It's a beautifully humbling practice. Sometimes I get so frustrated because my body won't do the poses that I am asking it to do but I practice still. Sri K. Pattabhi Jois said, "Practice all is coming." Therefore, I continue to practice. Someday I will "float" like my teacher to the top of my mat. I think back to my first ashtanga practice. I thought to myself, "It does not make sense to love a practice that I cannot do!" I stuck with it and can do many things that I once believed impossible. I am posting a video clip of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois teaching students second series ashtanga and yes, counting. Amazing! Hope you enjoy!