”The final aim in life is moksa, liberation.” ~ Meditations from the Mat

Words on paper have always fascinated me. As a teacher, I loved teaching children how to read. To watch their faces literally light up when they figure out how to sound out a word, it is truly a feeling so magical and powerful-I cannot find the words to explain it. When I was in graduate school working on my degree in reading, I volunteered to teach adults how to read. It was such a humbling experience to serve these amazing people. I often wondered who the teacher really was: me or them. I cannot begin to imagine the courage that it must have taken for these adults to sit next to me each session, sounding out words like a child as I helped their brain process and make sense out of what their eyes were seeing. How vulnerable they must have felt. What a blessing this opportunity was for me. I am so grateful that I could be a part of their lives.

On my last day volunteering as I wrapped my arms around my student to say “good-bye,” he whispered to me, “Thank you, I am free.” I’ll never forget his words or the sound of his voice. That moment changed me forever.  For my student, learning to read gave him a sense freedom. He no longer lived in isolation from other people. He no longer had to hide from words or avoid situations that required him to read. He no longer had to be afraid he would embarrass his children when in the presence of their friends. To him, something as simplistic as being able to read (which many of us take for granted) made him free. He had achieved moksa. The moment he uttered his first word from paper, he was free. He could no longer tell himself, “I cannot do_______ because I cannot read.” I wish I could have told him what I later realized but I was so overcome with emotion and empathy at that moment, my mind went completely blank. But later I realized he became free the moment he walked into the door. He became free, again, the moment he opened up a book. He was free from the barriers that society had placed on him. He was free from judgment. He was free from the fear that lied to him and told him he was not smart enough, good enough, or that I would think less of him if he stumbled on a word. He let go and faced an obstacle that he had dealt with his entire life. He was free!

When we face life’s obstacles head-on, when we simply let go, we are free…

“Do everything with a mind that has let go” ~ John Chan

I read the above quote from the book Meditations from the Mat by Rolf Gates.  In this part of the book, Rolf discusses how new students come to a yoga class and they “wrestle” with their pride to get the postures right and they even begin to place judgments on their efforts.  To sum it up, they are hard on themselves.

When an experience is humbling and challenging, we judge ourselves-our mind does not let go.  It re-plays the mistakes we have made, it records the mistakes we are making and this can be paralyzing. When the mind cannot let go, we cannot be present.  Worrying and regretting past mistakes will not change history-what’s done is done.  Worrying about what might happen will not stop the inevitable from occurring.  Worry and fear are just two ways in which our mind cannot let go.

The very first time I stepped into a real yoga studio I was so scared. Scared of what people might think of me, scared I’d fall on my face (and I have many times…fell on my head in practice this morning), scared I would not be able to make it through the practice (I made it about 15 minutes and was in child’s pose) but I survived my first yoga experience despite my fears.  Not only did I survive but my very first yoga teacher has become one of my best friends.  Fear keeps us from pursuing our dreams.  Fear tells us things that are not true…it lies to us and keeps us stagnant.  Fear simply won’t allow our minds to let go.

I have always been afraid to Chakrasana in ashtanga.  It’s basically a backward rolling somersault.  I would roll back with my legs over shoulders, toes touching the floor and literally put the brakes on.  My mind took over from there: this is too hard, my neck is going to break, I’ll fall on my head, I'm not strong enough, etc. One night, I couldn’t sleep.  I wasn't so much bothered by the fact that I could not Chakrasana, but it bothered me that I was scared to Chakrasana.  It drove me insane in ashtanga when my teacher would call out, “Chakrasana…or not.”  It drove me insane because I was in the “or not” category!   So at 2 a.m. I rolled out my yoga mat (yes, I do stuff like that), my mind let go and I did a Chakrasana…and another…and another! In the primary series of ashtanga, Chakrasana occurs twice.  The first is after Supta Padangusthasana (big toe posture on your back) and the second after Setu Bandhasana (bridge posture). There is also a Chakrasana in the finishing sequence after Uttana Padasana (extended leg posture).  It is fun to Chakrasana! It is also a reminder to me of what I can accomplish when my mind lets go.

Rolf Gates says this about letting go, “So I encourage you: get into that canoe and ride with the river.  Commit and don’t look back, before our bodies can open, they must first let go; the clenched and guarded muscles must relax.  But the mind must let go first.”

Counting

I remember when counting was simple. One, two, three, four, etc. But this week I have been learning to count in Sanskrit. So now it's ekam, dve, trini, catvari...and so on.  I even dream about those numbers! I have become an ashtanga junkie. I love, love, love ashtanga. It's a beautifully humbling practice. Sometimes I get so frustrated because my body won't do the poses that I am asking it to do but I practice still. Sri K. Pattabhi Jois said, "Practice all is coming." Therefore, I continue to practice. Someday I will "float" like my teacher to the top of my mat. I think back to my first ashtanga practice. I thought to myself, "It does not make sense to love a practice that I cannot do!" I stuck with it and can do many things that I once believed impossible. I am posting a video clip of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois teaching students second series ashtanga and yes, counting. Amazing! Hope you enjoy!